Hey, just needed to say, (pardon my language) life's fucking crazy...
If any of you have been reading my story [Cyclothymia] you'd understand what my social life is like. You heard of the characters, the little witch bitch 'squad'...
I don't know, I guess this is a revaluation post.
These past few months, no, this past year and the few months before this year have been hell. I thought about suicide and attempted out of loss of control thousands of times. Everything was so hectic in my life. I needed support and I couldn't find any. I was always the supporter. I need a link to my life to save, even if it was just for a moment. I knew all chains broke at one point and I wasn't scared anymore, more like protective. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense, I guess I'm just typing out my exact thoughts at this moment.
A few days ago, about two, I was able to rekindle with an old friend who is best friends with the girl that told everyone everything about me plus those vicious rumors. I know, sounds like a bad idea but it was like the good old times. We talked and watched movies and went to the mall and did so many other things. While we were talking, she told me everything the girl had told them and the other people at my school about me, since I wasn't sure and I was too scared to ask someone who had heard of it, since they all hated me.
She said; "Well, she told everyone about this time you got raped and all the really big things basically. She also told a lot of people how you had sex with certain people, which I didn't believe. She made up a lot of rumors." Then I started crying in public and she stopped talking. I threw my phone on the floor because I was so upset that my assumptions were true that it broke. I don't know, I had some hope gleaming in me but I don't know what sparked it. Maybe it was the memory of our old friendship.
Later this morning, in fact, twenty six minutes ago that girl [in my story, JungMi] the "cult" leader had sent me a text. My heart dropped and I was freaking out. In fact, I was shaking and I felt like I could cry, even barf at that second. But, when I opened it, this is what it said:
"Hey its ******... the bitch you hate. Im texting to say I'm sorry I know you probably will never accept my apologie and I understand. I said a lot of shot but I really regret that shit. I never knew you got raped I thought you got sexually abused that's what I told ***** and the squad it was wrong and I shouldn't have said that regardless even if we can be friends it would be nice toknow you don't hate me that much. I miss all those fun times we spent together and idk what to do I try to act like I hate you but I could never I was just in the moment I couldn't believe you said that to ******. At the end of the day i relised you were the only one who was right and was there. I'm a horrible person and I heard what you said from ***** yo u cried didn't you I made you cried I feel so bad I'm really sorry so sorry and I always will be sorry,"
As you can see, that was pretty rushed and although I could sense the worry in her and the vulnerability, I couldn't accept. I've forgiven too many senseless beings before and they were only able to repeat their mistakes. I know what to do now. I'm NOT a kid anymore--at least not the same kid I use to be. I'm not saying don't forgive people, I'm saying evaluate how many times you had forgiven them, and think like I did; if something happened that you thought was the worst thing in the world (rape) but it ends up getting beat (by the entire school out to get you all because of your ex-best friend). If that happens, you need to draw the line.
I was so proud of myself for the reply. I think this was my best achievement yet as a person stuck in this society full of rejects rejecting other rejects.
"I just thought you understood how depression felt. I thought you hurt the same way I did. I forgave people for a lot of things. I can try to forgive you once time passes by but for now things aren't okay. I could have told my friends things about you but I didn't and I won't."
I don't know what has been happening but, life's been okay, it's all on the verge of great. I thought things couldn't get any better then hell, it was hard passing through everyday thinking that there was going to be a tomorrow. I have scars to look back on, but now I have a smile that I think might stay long enough. I don't know if it's because the skies got brighter or because I changed my orange juice brand but things are looking a lot more...open. I can't find the key word yet, but when it's on the tip of my tongue I'll snatch it right out.
Moral of the story; thing's get better. Trust me, they do. Even though now is now and now sucks, the future is the future and the future is the way out of this. Just keep walking ahead with a high chin and you'll be okay. I love you.
If any of you have been reading my story [Cyclothymia] you'd understand what my social life is like. You heard of the characters, the little witch bitch 'squad'...
I don't know, I guess this is a revaluation post.
These past few months, no, this past year and the few months before this year have been hell. I thought about suicide and attempted out of loss of control thousands of times. Everything was so hectic in my life. I needed support and I couldn't find any. I was always the supporter. I need a link to my life to save, even if it was just for a moment. I knew all chains broke at one point and I wasn't scared anymore, more like protective. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense, I guess I'm just typing out my exact thoughts at this moment.
A few days ago, about two, I was able to rekindle with an old friend who is best friends with the girl that told everyone everything about me plus those vicious rumors. I know, sounds like a bad idea but it was like the good old times. We talked and watched movies and went to the mall and did so many other things. While we were talking, she told me everything the girl had told them and the other people at my school about me, since I wasn't sure and I was too scared to ask someone who had heard of it, since they all hated me.
She said; "Well, she told everyone about this time you got raped and all the really big things basically. She also told a lot of people how you had sex with certain people, which I didn't believe. She made up a lot of rumors." Then I started crying in public and she stopped talking. I threw my phone on the floor because I was so upset that my assumptions were true that it broke. I don't know, I had some hope gleaming in me but I don't know what sparked it. Maybe it was the memory of our old friendship.
Later this morning, in fact, twenty six minutes ago that girl [in my story, JungMi] the "cult" leader had sent me a text. My heart dropped and I was freaking out. In fact, I was shaking and I felt like I could cry, even barf at that second. But, when I opened it, this is what it said:
"Hey its ******... the bitch you hate. Im texting to say I'm sorry I know you probably will never accept my apologie and I understand. I said a lot of shot but I really regret that shit. I never knew you got raped I thought you got sexually abused that's what I told ***** and the squad it was wrong and I shouldn't have said that regardless even if we can be friends it would be nice toknow you don't hate me that much. I miss all those fun times we spent together and idk what to do I try to act like I hate you but I could never I was just in the moment I couldn't believe you said that to ******. At the end of the day i relised you were the only one who was right and was there. I'm a horrible person and I heard what you said from ***** yo u cried didn't you I made you cried I feel so bad I'm really sorry so sorry and I always will be sorry,"
As you can see, that was pretty rushed and although I could sense the worry in her and the vulnerability, I couldn't accept. I've forgiven too many senseless beings before and they were only able to repeat their mistakes. I know what to do now. I'm NOT a kid anymore--at least not the same kid I use to be. I'm not saying don't forgive people, I'm saying evaluate how many times you had forgiven them, and think like I did; if something happened that you thought was the worst thing in the world (rape) but it ends up getting beat (by the entire school out to get you all because of your ex-best friend). If that happens, you need to draw the line.
I was so proud of myself for the reply. I think this was my best achievement yet as a person stuck in this society full of rejects rejecting other rejects.
"I just thought you understood how depression felt. I thought you hurt the same way I did. I forgave people for a lot of things. I can try to forgive you once time passes by but for now things aren't okay. I could have told my friends things about you but I didn't and I won't."
I don't know what has been happening but, life's been okay, it's all on the verge of great. I thought things couldn't get any better then hell, it was hard passing through everyday thinking that there was going to be a tomorrow. I have scars to look back on, but now I have a smile that I think might stay long enough. I don't know if it's because the skies got brighter or because I changed my orange juice brand but things are looking a lot more...open. I can't find the key word yet, but when it's on the tip of my tongue I'll snatch it right out.
Moral of the story; thing's get better. Trust me, they do. Even though now is now and now sucks, the future is the future and the future is the way out of this. Just keep walking ahead with a high chin and you'll be okay. I love you.